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Jokes
Mar 25, 2009 21:21:52 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 25, 2009 21:21:52 GMT -5
ok, new one!
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE IF NO ONE TAKES YOU SERIOUSLY:
George Phillips age 82 of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.' George said, 'Okay'. He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
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Jokes
Mar 25, 2009 21:36:20 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 25, 2009 21:36:20 GMT -5
Found another one in my Archives of Random Useless Crap
CURTAIN RODS
Her husband had left her for another woman, and got the house in the divorce settlement. She only had a few days to leave
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases .
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods .
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days . Then slowly, the house began to smell .
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit .
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls .
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place .
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going .
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork .
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 9:26:48 GMT -5
Post by Firefly on Mar 26, 2009 9:26:48 GMT -5
oh lol!!! I've heard that one before I think.
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 9:34:25 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 26, 2009 9:34:25 GMT -5
Totally awesome. Do not mess with women!
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 9:37:31 GMT -5
Post by Firefly on Mar 26, 2009 9:37:31 GMT -5
Oh yeah.
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 13:57:52 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 26, 2009 13:57:52 GMT -5
BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who just died is delivered to a > local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black > suit. > > > The female blonde mortician asks the > deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She > points out that the man does look good in the black suit he > is already wearing. > > > > > > > The widow, however, says that she always > thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she > wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a > blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, > but please have my husband in a blue suit for the > viewing.' > > > > > > > The woman returns the next day for the > wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a > gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the > suit fits him perfectly ... > > > > > > > She says to the mortician, 'Whatever > this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job > and I'm very grateful. How much did you > spend?' > > > > > > > To her astonishment, the blonde mortician > presents her with the blank check. > > > > > > > 'There's no charge,' she says. > > > > > > > > 'No, really, I must compensate you for > the co st of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. > > > > > > > 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde > says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of > about your husband's size was brought in shortly > after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive > blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his > grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no > difference as long as he looked nice. .. . . . . . ... > > > > > > > So I just switched the heads.' > > > . > > > > > > > > > > > (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT > COMING!!!) > > > > > >
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:11:32 GMT -5
Post by Firefly on Mar 26, 2009 14:11:32 GMT -5
ewewew
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:13:23 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 26, 2009 14:13:23 GMT -5
haha
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:17:39 GMT -5
Post by Firefly on Mar 26, 2009 14:17:39 GMT -5
that's disgusting
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:20:11 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 26, 2009 14:20:11 GMT -5
Ok, I'll try something less gross. Give me a minute..
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:20:51 GMT -5
Post by Firefly on Mar 26, 2009 14:20:51 GMT -5
good.
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:25:43 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 26, 2009 14:25:43 GMT -5
The New Dog Crossbreeds
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly think this is the one that lives across the road from us...]
Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter
Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu Oh, never mind....
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:29:15 GMT -5
Post by Firefly on Mar 26, 2009 14:29:15 GMT -5
lol!!!! I don't get the Moot Point one though.
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:30:47 GMT -5
Post by elphie on Mar 26, 2009 14:30:47 GMT -5
a moot point is something that doesn't matter. that one better?
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Jokes
Mar 26, 2009 14:31:22 GMT -5
Post by Firefly on Mar 26, 2009 14:31:22 GMT -5
oh ok thanks
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